Losing Pets Can Teach Children How To Deal With Death

Usually, losing a pet is the first time many children encounter death. The experience can become an opportunity for profound emotional learning and influence how young people understand and process grief when they are adults, according to psychologists and pet bereavement specialists.

Parents and guardians therefore have important roles to play when a family pet dies. Along with helping children accept the painful permanence of death, caregivers can guide kids through a healthy and healing mourning process that provides a foundation for coping with an inevitable part of life.

"People are so adverse to talking about death and grief, but it is the one thing that is guaranteed: We are all going to die. We need to be open to talking about that," said Deirdra Flavin, CEO of the National Alliance for Children’s Grief.

Depending on how old they are and their individual circumstances, children vary in their ability to comprehend the concept of death. The way they process grief, how long they mourn and the impact of the loss is also unique to each child, just as it is for adults. Experts say sadness, anger and other overwhelming emotions associated with grief may be more difficult for younger children to navigate, so having support is crucial.

Psychologists and bereavement counselors say some people feel the heartbreak from a pet's death as intensely as the loss of any other loved one, reflecting the potential depths of human-animal bonds. In the case of children, their relationship with a pet, and whether the death was sudden or not, are other factors that may shape individual responses.

Colleen Rolland, president of the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement, says parents usually know how intellectually and emotionally capable their children are of processing death.

Children as young as 4 years old might have been exposed to death through fairy tales and other stories but may struggle to understand its finality, Rolland said. Older children, who will know their loss is forever, may need more emotional support from friends and family, she said.

Elizabeth Perez said she learned quickly how differently her three children processed the death of their dog, Zoe, who was hit by a car nearly a year-and-a-half ago in front of their second daughter. The other two children were inside the family's home in Pullman, Washington.

"Carmen would talk about how the images kept replaying in her head, she was having nightmares and couldn't sleep," Perez said, adding that her daughter hasn't worn the dress she had on that day since.

Experts say it’s important to be honest and use clear language when discussing death with children. Adults often are inclined to protect children with euphemisms, such as a pet went to sleep, got lost or was put down.

"That can be alarming for children and cause a lot of confusion and fear. So, saying 'The fish went to sleep’ might create concerns for the child when they are going to sleep," Flavin said. "Particularly with younger kids because they are so literal in terms of the way that things are expressed to them."

Much like they do in other situations or developmental stages, children often learn how to handle grief by watching their caregivers. The way adults respond to loss is likely to set an example for their children.

"Parents, or caregivers, must be confident in how they deal with pet loss," Rolland said, adding that parents who are unfamiliar with grief or display unhealthy behaviors might teach children to act in the same manner.