Is "Dry Begging" A Form Of Manipulation?

Have you ever frustratingly mumbled to your partner that it "must be nice to have a partner who walks the dog" in hopes of them walking the dog more often? Or have you ever sighed that you’ll "just do the errands alone" even though you don’t want to? Turns out, you may be dry begging, a tool that people use in relationships of all sorts to get their needs met.

"Dry begging is when someone indirectly asks for something. There’s a need there, but they’re not stating it clearly," said Aerial Cetnar, a therapist and owner of Boulder Therapy and Wellness in Colorado.

Instead of making a straightforward request or voicing a direct want, someone who is dry begging hints at a need or makes a vague complaint, Cetnar added.

So, instead of stating, "I wish we spent more time together," someone who is dry begging may say, "Oh, I guess I’ll just stay home with the cat" — they’re hinting at their displeasure instead of addressing it.

"I’ll say it can come from a place of insecurity, fear or manipulation," said Tori-Lyn Mills, a licensed clinical professional counselor with Thriveworks in Columbia, MD. But it can also be something that folks grew up with and learned as a way to get their needs met, Mills added.

It’s also not an official psychological term that you’ll find in mental health literature, said Cetnar — "regardless, it’s very much a thing."

While it can feel easier than directly asking for what you want, dry begging really isn’t meant for the long haul.

According to Mills, dry begging can weaponize emotion and empathy while also shifting responsibility in a situation. It can "even weaponize a person’s role as a partner, specifically in romantic relationships," she said.

For example, in a romantic relationship, if one partner wants to have sex and the other doesn’t, instead of flat-out saying how they feel, someone who is dry begging may say something like "well, most people would be happy that their partner wants to have sex with them all the time [and] is attracted to them all the time," Mills said.

This can put the other partner in a position where they feel guilty about not wanting to have sex in the moment. It can even put responsibility on them and make them think, "Oh, I should be happy about this," Mills noted.

"It’s kind of like — I should be giving into this. That’s how dry begging can work," she said.

If this sounds manipulative, it’s because it often is.

If it becomes a pattern, that’s a red flag for manipulation, Cetnar said. More, if the partner ends up doing things they don’t want to do without ever being clearly asked, it’s another red flag, she said.

"It’s not always manipulative — it certainly can be — but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. First, look at what’s the intention and is it a pattern," Cetnar said. Once again, if it’s a pattern, that is not OK.