"Banksying" Leaves People Confuse and Heartbroken

There is a new dating trend out there that's creating more toxic relationships in the romantic world. It's not recommended. It is a selfish act. It should be avoided.

It's called "Banksying," and it derives its name from the elusive street artist Banksy, known for art that seems to pop up out of nowhere and often comes with a cryptic twist.

Like a baffling Banksy art piece, "Banksying" in a relationship involves slowly withdrawing emotionally from your partner, without telling them that's what you're doing. When the time comes to finally break up, the "Banksy-er" often feels better, having mentally checked out of the relationship long ago, while the other partner is left blindsided and confused.

When someone "Banksies," they start to destroy the relationship before the other person sees it coming. Some of Banksy's art has famously self-destructed − like one painting that made headlines for shredding itself after selling at auction for $1.4 million.

Amy Chan, a dating coach and the author of "Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart," says "Banskying" has been happening for a while − it just has a trendy name now. The solution, she says, is to practice open and honest communication, even when doing so feels uncomfortable.

"'Banksying’ happens more now, especially with the proliferation of dating apps, where people have developed poor dating etiquette," Chan says. "The person withdrawing gets the ability to process the breakup on their own terms, before they hand the memo to the other person who ends up being in total shock. It’s selfish. It shows a lack of emotional maturity and a way of dealing with conflict that is rooted in avoidance."

Emma Hathorn, a relationship expert at Seeking.com, says "Banksying" leaves daters feeling stressed, confused and gaslit. Often the person on the receiving end can sense something is wrong, but their partner keeps assuring them everything is fine.

"Banksying is something that we have all experienced at one point or another," Hathorn says. "Previously, there hasn’t been a way to express that subtle feeling of dread when a partner has begun to pull away, essentially icing us out. Emotionally manipulative, emotionally distant – there are plenty of ways that people have tried to define it."

What makes "Banksying" so painful, Chan says, is its ambiguity. At least when someone ghosts, it's clear they've abandoned the relationship. With "Banksying," however, people are often left in the dark, wondering if the relationship is actually solid or if their concerns about it are justified.